So this weekend was Total Warrior weekend. I wasn't excited and wasn't looking forward to it. I had trained hard but wasn't anywhere near ready. I didn't want to go. I knew I couldn't drop out because I had paid £56 entry and the rest of the team won't let me. So yesterday morning I got up and left the house at 6.30 and was on the coach with a glass of Dutch courage in me. Yes it was far far to early and it knock me sick a bit.
Sitting on the coach I tried to hold back all my anxiety and tears. I was in my own little world for most of the trip there and home. I had so many negatives running though my head. I knew I was off to hard start. When we arrived I knew that there was no way any of the 36 other people on the coach was going to let me stay there, I also knew they were not going to let me not pass the start line. The feeling of impending doom was heavy on my shoulders. We got number up. I was 2713. 13 Not a good sign. Everyone kept telling me I am amazing and I would be fab.
So 10.20 was our start time. I knew I had to start the race. I didn't know I was going to have to crawl though a hay bale tunnel to get there. I was already so far out of my comfort zone my internal sat nav had given up and turned to drink. So the count down started and we were off. I started running with everyone got further than I thought I would before I started to walk. The even managed a bit of a hill run. The support from everyone in the race was amazing. Even if I did keep wondering how all these strangers knew my name. I kept forgetting it was on the back of my vest.
I knew that there was 30 obstacles. I had decided that I was going to hit 3 at a time. Before I knew it, I had done 2. A hill climb/run for 1k and one called Pole to Pole, over and under different heights. I was starting to think that I could do it. I knew it was going to get tough but yeah I could do it. Then I got to the first muddy one. Had to walk though a bit of a pond thing. Fab thats what its all about. My god it was cold and deeper than I thought. It was knee deep. Out the other side and though the mud. I had forgotten how slippery mud is. I also managed to pull myself up a steep bank with a rope. I knew that training was paying off. This was my 3rd obstacle. I had do it. Yeah I had to crawl though some of it on my knees because I had a sudden in ability to stay up right. But I had done my first 3. On to the next 3. These were all pretty much back to back and very muddy. God that stuff is slippery. The next was one they lovingly call the channel crossing. You had the choice of shallow or deep. Because of the rain the night before there was not a massive a difference. So I jumped in. Now this is where I have a memory of a gold fish. I forgot how cold it was. But this was deep passed my boobs deep. So cold I couldn't remember how to breath. I got half way then caused a queue because I bottle it trying to climb over. Well almost I got there in the end. Then it was more mud. Then the somewhere in all that water I lost my sense of humour. I was in one called the cement mixer, up to my waist in more cold water. Stuck for 30 mins waiting for the queue to move. I mean we went nowhere. Marshalls sent people round the obstacle the queue was that big. This was the point I lost my sense of humour. Some clever dick started to throw dead fish around. And it landed right on my boobs. I was definitely thinking I was over the whole day then. But I had one more obstacle till I had done my 3. That and I had to get out the water to call it a day. Out the other side I was hit with the worm muncher, more mud and water and bit of barbed wire over the top. I did it. That was the next 3 done. 6 down 24 to go. But I was only thinking about the next three.
Next up was a muddy hill. I knew it was going to be a killer but I didn't think it was going to kill me off. I started up that hill like a women possessed. I almost got to the top and I slipped all the way back to the bottom. There was me in a heap crying. Come in number 2713 your time is up. I was done. 7 obstacles in and I was defeated. This poor Marshall came running over. I seen her watch and noticed I am been out there for 2 hours and had got no where. I was cold, not getting one ounce of fun out of it and I wasn't even close to half way. I just crumpled on the floor and cried. The next thing I know a buggy came and picked me up a dropped me at the finish line.
Have I beaten myself up over it? Yeah and I still am. I think I am aloud to be cross with myself. Very little beats me and if it does I go back and show it who boss. Thats not going to happen anytime soon.
Not one person yesterday accepted that I had failed. They all supported me when I starting crying and saying I had let myself down. They all love the fact that I got as far as I did. That I went out and tried. But I could kick myself for not getting to the end.
I spent yesterday with an amazing group of people. Who hugged me and held my hand when I cried, they got me off the coach and over the start line. They tried and failed to feed me cake and booze, and knew when I need to be left alone.
Today I am exhausted, can hardly string a sentence together, feel like I have been run over by a bus. I can't imagine how the rest of the team feel. In true me style I feel like I don't deserve to be sore and tired. Maybe I do maybe I don't.
I have ticketed something of my life bucket list. It's not something I care to repeat in the near of distance future. But I never say never, that what people call you up on. You said never again. I need to find my next challenge, my next aim. I am thinking extream knitting.
I am not giving up, I am not stopping. Just side stepping a little bit closer to my comfort comfort zone. I am not getting back in . Just a bit more realistic.
No comments:
Post a Comment