Sometimes some down time is the best way to spend time

So as I promised myself, I was back at the gym this week and doing it properly. I didn’t get to every class because I have 3 kids and they have a better social life than me. Most night I need a stiff drink after me and their Dad have played taxi for them.

Anyway I did suspension on Tuesday and even with a couple weeks away it felt good, I even managed some of the floor work and got in to the plank posy for a spit second!!! I ran on Wednesday well ish. Me and my PT did 2.5mile in about 45 mins. Got to beat that next week. Then this morning a really surprised myself. Insanity just the 30 min class. Not only did I keep up BUT I managed to do most of the class without replacing much. I DID BURPEES the smallest ones in the world but without a step. I did them putting my hands on the floor!!!!!!!

It’s pretty safe to say that I am for one pleased with myself. I am glad that I gave myself that sulking time because it proved that I didn’t really have anything to sulk about. But without that time I probably would never have realised how far I have come. Or noticed how big my favourite gym top has become. It really is time to find a new favourite and bin or down grade to after a night shift top, not to be seen outside.

Onward and up wards now. I have my plan for between now and Christmas. I am really luck that my PT is being lead by the what I want to do. I think I have gotten a bit bored of going into the gym.  Running out side is so more satisfying that pretending to ski, row or walk up hill no where fast! I just need to stop being bothered about people seeing me. Most of the time I can put myself in a bubble a the gym and get on with it. But outside I still feel a bit venerable. When thinking about it. The network rail workers really don’t care that much about a fat stranger running, and I will think about it longer than they would.

So I am sat here watching people sleep having tucked them all up in bed and getting paid for it. Feeling pretty proud of myself. With no snacks to keep me going over night. Because I don’t need them. Let’s see that is still true when I get hangery at 3.30. For the first time In a while I really feel that I CAN DO THIS.

Confidence what confidence!

It’s amazing there are days that I never shut up but I have had nothing to put on here for ages. I have been stuck in a slump. Think it has been since total warrior if I am honest. But between the kids going back to school and all the “joys” that come with that. The start back of every after school activity you can think of, plus work and the season change, I have really noticed it.

I have still be going to the gym and having PT’s weekly, but its not as many classes as I could have done and not worked as hard as I could have. I have a week off coming up over half term and I am having a week off everything. Then I am getting my act together. I still have nothing to aim for but I need to pull my socks up. Any ideas would be grateful received.

Up until last night I felt I like nothing was changing. Yes I clothes are getting loose but I didn’t feel like I was making progress. But last night I took my youngest to see Joesph and his amazing Technicolor Dream Coat at the Liverpool Empire. It was only when I was walking up to the theatre holding my daughters hand, I realised. No I am not the size 12 I thought I would be after a year. But last night. I took my little girl on the train to Liverpool, out for tea and we walked to the theatre and back again. A year ago I would have asked my hubby to drive us in and pick us up. But last night I realised that my confidence has started to come back.

I really should have notice that my confidence was coming back when I signed up for warrior. Someone with zero confidence would never had signed up for that. I have done 2 Well 1 1/2 boot camps. I had the confidence to say that I didn’t think this current boot camp is for me. I might be getting confident but I am getting more and more frustrated at not being able to keep up with the distances stuff.

It’s funny you at the start trying to change one thing in your life, it always changes something else. I was alway pretty confident. I had to be, I was an office temp new places almost every week. Nothing phased me. Then I became a stay at home Mum. I didn’t ever realise how much confidence I had lost.   But going out with last night. If anyone was looking I didn’t notice. I didn’t feel uncomfortable in McDonald’s when I ordered my meal (it was a medium just so you know Laura). I was as comfortable in my seat as you can be with long legs. Not once did I think so one is laughing at me for being fat.

 I am still self conscious, think most people are. Don’t think I will never stop wondering who is watching me in my gym and getting told off for looking. Funny thing about that is why would anyone want to watch me. I don’t watch anyone. I am doing the same thing and the rest of them and it pretty boring.

So now I have 2 weeks to moap and sulk about feeling rubbish and then I have to get on with it.

I am I a Total Warrior? NO But I am not a total flop either.

So this weekend was Total Warrior weekend. I wasn't excited and wasn't looking forward to it. I had trained hard but wasn't anywhere near ready. I didn't want to go. I knew I couldn't drop out because I had paid £56 entry and the rest of the team won't let me. So yesterday morning I got up and left the house at 6.30 and was on the coach with a glass of Dutch courage in me. Yes it was far far to early and it knock me sick a bit.

Sitting on the coach I tried to hold back all my anxiety and tears. I was in my own little world for most of the trip there and home. I had so many negatives running though my head. I knew I was off to hard start. When we arrived I knew that there was no way any of the 36 other people on the coach was going to let me stay there, I also knew they were not going to let me not pass the start line. The feeling of impending doom was heavy on my shoulders. We got number up. I was 2713. 13 Not a good sign. Everyone kept telling me I am amazing and I would be fab.


So 10.20 was our start time. I knew I had to start the race. I didn't know I was going to have to crawl though a hay bale tunnel to get there. I was already so far out of my comfort zone my internal sat nav had given up and turned to drink. So the count down started and we were off. I started running with everyone got further than I thought I would before I started to walk. The even managed a bit of a hill run. The support from everyone in the race was amazing. Even if I did keep wondering how all these strangers knew my name. I kept forgetting it was on the back of my vest.

I knew that there was 30 obstacles. I had decided that I was going to hit 3 at a time. Before I knew it, I had done 2. A hill climb/run for 1k and one called Pole to Pole, over and under different heights. I was starting to think that I could do it. I knew it was going to get tough but yeah I could do it. Then I got to the first muddy one. Had to walk though a bit of a pond thing. Fab thats what its all about. My god it was cold and deeper than I thought. It was knee deep. Out the other side and though the mud. I had forgotten how slippery mud is. I also managed to pull myself up a steep bank with a rope. I knew that training was paying off.  This was my 3rd obstacle. I had do it. Yeah I had to crawl though some of it on my knees because I had a sudden in ability to stay up right. But I had done my first 3. On to the next 3. These were all pretty much back to back and very muddy. God that stuff is slippery. The next was one they lovingly call the channel crossing. You had the choice of shallow or deep. Because of the rain the night before there was not a massive a difference. So I jumped in. Now this is where I have a memory of a gold fish. I forgot how cold it was. But this was deep passed my boobs deep. So cold I couldn't remember how to breath. I got half way then caused a queue because I bottle it trying to climb over. Well almost I got there in the end. Then it was more mud. Then the somewhere in all that water I lost my sense of humour. I was in one called the cement mixer, up to my waist in more cold water. Stuck for 30 mins waiting for the queue to move. I mean we went nowhere. Marshalls sent people round the obstacle the queue was that big. This was the point I lost my sense of humour. Some clever dick started to throw dead fish around. And it landed right on my boobs. I was definitely thinking I was over the whole day then. But I had one more obstacle till I had done my 3. That and I had to get out the water to call it a day. Out the other side I was hit with the worm muncher, more mud and water and bit of barbed wire over the top. I did it. That was the next 3 done. 6 down 24 to go. But I was only thinking about the next three.

Next up was a muddy hill. I knew it was going to be a killer but I didn't think it was going to kill me off. I started up that hill like a women possessed. I almost got to the top and I slipped all the way back to the bottom. There was me in a heap crying. Come in number 2713 your time is up. I was done. 7 obstacles in and I was defeated. This poor Marshall came running over. I seen her watch and noticed I am been out there for 2 hours and had got no where. I was cold, not getting one ounce of fun out of it and I wasn't even close to half way. I just crumpled on the floor and cried. The next thing I know a buggy came and picked me up a dropped me at the finish line.

Have I beaten myself up over it? Yeah and I still am. I think I am aloud to be cross with myself. Very little beats me and if it does I go back and show it who boss. Thats not going to happen anytime soon.
Not one person yesterday accepted that I had failed. They all supported me when I starting crying and  saying I had let myself down. They all love the fact that I got as far as I did. That I went out and tried. But I could kick myself for not getting to the end. I spent yesterday with an amazing group of people. Who hugged me and held my hand when I cried, they got me off the coach and over the start line. They tried and failed to feed me cake and booze, and knew when I need to be left alone. Today I am exhausted, can hardly string a sentence together, feel like I have been run over by a bus. I can't imagine how the rest of the team feel. In true me style I feel like I don't deserve to be sore and tired. Maybe I do maybe I don't. I have ticketed something of my life bucket list. It's not something I care to repeat in the near of distance future. But I never say never, that what people call you up on. You said never again. I need to find my next challenge, my next aim. I am thinking extream knitting. I am not giving up, I am not stopping. Just side stepping a little bit closer to my comfort comfort zone. I am not getting back in . Just a bit more realistic.

I have come so far but still have further to go.

It has just come up on facebook that we had our Scotland Holiday this time last year. So almost a year ago I had the photo taken that made me think, I really need to do something. Am I were I thought I would be? No. Where did I think I was going to be. Skinny. I thought it would fall off, and it might have but,

1.  I haven't worked as hard as I could have. 
2. I thought it would be easy 
3. I really like my food. 
4. Summer Holiday = not really bothering with the gym. I now Know that 6 weeks can make a massive difference 

I haven't got no where. I have dropped 3 dress sizes on the bottom and 4 on the top. I am fitter than I was. I have so much more upper body strength. But I am still not happy. I have flabby bits and lumps and bumps in all the wrong places.

The list of what I can't do is still a long one. But because no one care what I can't do. This is what I can do.

• I have a PT. Who I love. (I thought only posh thin celeb had them.)
• Exercise outside without being bothered who is watching. OK I have to be with another person but its a big step. No self motivation 
• I can run further than I care to admit, even further after boot camp. The people I am with are not so far away anymore. 
• I can plank, this one came out of nowhere. I really just thought sod it lets just see what I can do. 
• I can move from leg to leg and arm to arm when planking.
• I can almost do a walkout. I say belly gets in the way. But I think it might be lack of confidence 
• I can lift weights. I mean in the "man" bit of the gym. Something really need to be done to change that stigma. I hate going in on my own. 
• I can join in classes at the gym. Guess what nobody watching you and if they are they will help you. That how I found out I could do a bunny hop, and they are getting bigger. 
• I am starting to take complements without thinking about it. 
• I am starting to shop in Tesco for clothes. My hubby is loving that one. Milk, bread, a weeks worth of shopping and a top!!
• I did a tuck jump. Only one my belly didnt like it. It's still wobberling now. 

This list is a lot longer than it was a year ago, in 6 months time it will be longer, and in a year, well lets see. When I started this blogg it was to make me accountable for me. So I could see how far I have come. what I have or haven't accomplished. I decided to share it because I am not the only person in my situation. People want to change. Once I can remember talking to someone about getting hold of a copy of insanity. So I went and had a look on good old YouTube. You are met with body beautiful fit as you like bouncy almost flying people, who don't sweat they glow. You have to follow along. You can't keep up, you definitely can't fly. It doesn't show you the low impacted, or the modification to make it suitable for you. Even at my gym now as you walk in there posters and pictures of all these fit people glowing.  I am not saying that it is wrong but it doesn't give you any motivation. Well it doesn't for me, it just makes me cringe.  But when you get into the gym. There is almost every shape and size, thats a certain if I am in, and I am sorry gym mates, but not many look like the poster. It sad that the only time you see over weight people exercising is so people can laugh at them.

Now I might be biased but I am a member of an amazing gym. The best gym in the area. I am not joking. The place is always bouncing. There is almost always a class on. The music is pumping and the atmosphere is alive from the mintues the doors open. It's not one of your big name gyms, I looked around one of them and they made me feel clinical and lonely. I wasn't in there 5 mins. In fact this was only place I felt comfortable. For me there is nothing worst than big muscle blokes grunting and offen they make you feel that your not wanted. You are spoiling the look of the gym, with all the flabbiness. This is a local independent gym run by local PT's who all have the same idea. You become family when you join. They know your name, I mean really know your name. I never have to give it in when I book in.  Yes they talk about me. Well look at me I have a lot to talk about, and I don't mean that in a bad way. All the PTs are so positive about how far I have come. How hard I can work when I want to. When I talk about wanting to try a harder class they never say don't bother, always just give it a try. Still have got the guts to try spin. In the end it doesn't matter what you look like. If you want to make the change then do it. Yes as I have said you have to push past your comfort zone. But then you comfort zone just moves to a different place. Look I am the biggist in the gym and I have never felt uncomfortable there, Just give it a try. Most gyms offer a free taster. Try as many as you need to, speak to the PTs and class instructors. Go with your gut feeling and give it a try.

I survived the toughest boot camp so far. Can I go to bed now?

So today was no ordinary boot camp. The coach was on hoilday so my  PT and lets just call him HIM (can't think of anything polite at the moment) were in charge. I knew it was not going to be easy. HIM had been my PT then HIM passed me to my current PT. We worked better together.  Neither of them of them mess around, they work on results and they get them. 

So I had the bright idea of walking there. I walk to the wood every week, so why should today be any different. Part of me thinks I hadn't really thought that though. My walk every week is the head start of me doing the same as everyone else. Not this week, I did a 1.7 Miles on top before boot camp and then the same home again.

So the thought of today knocked me sick. I knew, I was going so far out of my comfort zone. I knew it was going to be shouting and bloody hard work. And HIM has never been easy on me, Why should he that not what he is there for. Going easy is not going to get results. But it really was WTF. I felt so sorry for the people in my team having to wait for me all the time. I know they say they are not bothered but it really not fair not on them, they stayed with me and we came last. So when it came to picking something to carry we got the ruff end of the stick. I lost total control of my breathing, I mean i felt like I lost one lung and was on my way to a panic attack. I felt sick. I cried, I never cry. Thought I was going to pass out. But I wasn't allowed to stop. Everyone telling me I was doing great helps. My PT keeping me going,  and HIM from the start he had my back, at the end he had hold of my hand and kept me running. He didn't let me stop. Guess what I did it. I am totally exhausted but I did it. Yes I got a short cuts, yes I was pulled along when I said I couldn't do it any more but I did it. I have nothing to go back to beat again. What is it with PTs and f***ing hills.  I worked as hard as I could. And I bloody did it.

Am i ready for total warrior? Not a chance. Its is only a couple of weeks away. I don't think I am going to manage to run it. But I will do it. I will work as hard as I can. It was pointed out to me a while back by my PT. I have never not done what has been asked of me. I think I proved that today. So as much as I could hate HIM at the moment. I really need to say thank you for showing that I can work that hard and can do it. It may have been at my pace but I did it. I also need to stop being so negative towards myself.

From my first PT session with HIM. He pushed me so far out of my comfort zone. But when I ever I have said I can't do it. He had help me prove I can. One thing that will alway stick with me is, when he said that my legs will never let me down. It has stuck with me. It a bit of a mantra now. I say I can't his voice pops in my head saying your legs can. And some how that keeps me going. Most of the time it my total lack of confidence that holds me back. I don't trust my body or what it can do. I keeping thing it is going to fail me, and it hasn't yet.

Now I am home a showered, hydrated and siting down. I think I need to do more exercise like that. I admit I have lost my mojo these last few weeks. I need to find it again and really start pushing myself. It's half term next week. I have a week off PT as she is on a well deserved  hoilday. The kids are home so classes at the gym aren't always possible. So I am going to reset and start a fresh the week after. I start a new job, so its a whole new chapter to in my life. Time to push forward.

PS I can plank. I never thought about what that meant. But I tried last week in insanity and I did it. It might be a bit of a wonky plank but I did it! I can even move from one leg to another!

I beat the hill!!!

So I went back to the hill. The hill that beat me on Sunday. The hill that has put me in a bad mood all week. The hill that was a hell of a lot steeper than I remember. I did think for a second. Yeah you did it twice lets go for a jog instead. But honestly I knew I wasn't getting out of this. Think my PT was a bit surprised at how steep the will was, not that she showed it. She was going to make me do it with a log as well but she didn't push that one. You know with creepy crawlies and all. I was asked how many times I wanted to go up and down. This is were the mind games start. I had a number, she had a number and neither of us wanted to go first But, really unless my number was bigger than her it was never going to be my number. So my PT picked an odd one 5, I picked 4. What's funny is that I alway have to go first and my number is never as high, I smell a rat! Now I am not OCD but i do like even numbers. That meant I had to go up one more. So 6 was todays magic number. 

Off up the hill I went. Then it hit me. It wasn't that I couldn't do it, it was lack of confidence. What if I fall, what if I fall and get impaled on a tree. I do watch far to much casualty. Fat girl trying to get fit in the woods, gets impaled on tree. It writes its self. Anyway, it's s a bit slippy on way up, with the pine needles, pine cones and sand. It not much better in the way down. Half way up the roots and trees start. Thats when I start to bottle it. Yes I did ask for a helicopter and no I didn't get one. I also knew that I had to get myself up. No one could help me. Not because I was stubborn because I had 3 choices, Stay there forever. Fall down and end up in a BBC Drama, or move myself. So I moved myself. Every time I got to the same spot I froze. So 5 times later my PT said to scramble up it and use my hands. Up until then I had gotten up just on my feet pull up on trees. My 4th time was 1 min 23ish, my 5th 1 min 07. At that point I wanted under 1 min. So off I went. I got to my problem it and I hit the ground and scrambled, hit the top and found my finishing tree. Not a chance of being under 1 min. Not scrambling like a offa. Then my PT said 58.23 seconds. I did it. I showed that hill. 

Sometimes a pep talk and being called amazing works!

So it has been a few days since my last blog. I have written this one 5 different ways, and it just didn't work. I was trying to say how cross I was with myself. It turns out that I just needed a bit of perspective.

I had a spring in my step last Thursday, Friday and by Saturday it had sprung. I had plans for 3 mile walk run. That didn't happen. I got up at 11.30 and stayed in my PJs all day. Then I had an early night for warrior training on Sunday. I did also get though 9 units of  NVQ work.

Now 3 weeks into training and I have not had to nag myself up and out for bed once. That when it sort of went down hill. Up and out the house just after 9am. Brisk walk to warm up and the off to a lamppost jog. NOPE not a chance. I tried and tried but I couldn't get a rhythm and I couldn't lift my legs up and my back joined in the protest too. 30 minutes later I was at the wood. This was when I started to get frustrated it took me 10 mintues longer than last time, and last time I had to climb over a tree. I got to where we were meeting, I kept moving. Up hills and back down again, Once we all met up. I had already worked out what we were going to do. Up a steep hill with a log and a parter and back down again. Then back up and down on your own. I only managed once with log and mate and once on my own. I grumbled all day about it. I felt like I had let myself down. Didn't try hard enough. I didn't t even try to keep up with the bunch from the gym on the way home, and that took me 35 mintues.

Now I say I only manage the hill twice, but this is were a bit of perspective was needed. That did come from a good friend and my PT. Yes Yes I had to be told twice. They said look at it this way, a few weeks ago you wouldn't have even tried. They were right! I wouldn't, let alone walk the mile and a bit to get there and home again.

Because I didn't feel like I had done enough Sunday morning. I made my daughter walk to cub and home. I was determined to push though my weak back and make up a bit of lost ground from the day before.

Tuesday I tried a suspension or TRX, that doesn't sound quite so fifty shades. Can't say I love it but I didn't totally hate it. Also this morning I found out why I have zero energy. I woke up with a sore throat, sore ears and a cough. It also explained my weak back. When I am run down, thats the bit that notices first.

 On top of a cold I had a maths exam this morning. I hosnestly thought I would give circuits a miss. Kids came home from school, drove me mad, so circuits seamed like the easy option. It was in tonight's class that I reaslised that I am doing so much more. Not just squats as a modification. I tried to do walk outs. Back wasn't to keen but I tried and I moved forward and backwards a bit. I also manage to do a low plank and mountain climbers.

So all in all I am feeling a bit better mentally, and I am starting to realise so much of what I think I can't to is confidence not physical. Do I still think I am going to get thought the whole of  warrior? No I am going to make a total fool of myself. But I just to make sure I feel a proper idiot I am thinking of doing a 10k in October and it not a flat one either.