I have come so far but still have further to go.

It has just come up on facebook that we had our Scotland Holiday this time last year. So almost a year ago I had the photo taken that made me think, I really need to do something. Am I were I thought I would be? No. Where did I think I was going to be. Skinny. I thought it would fall off, and it might have but,

1.  I haven't worked as hard as I could have. 
2. I thought it would be easy 
3. I really like my food. 
4. Summer Holiday = not really bothering with the gym. I now Know that 6 weeks can make a massive difference 

I haven't got no where. I have dropped 3 dress sizes on the bottom and 4 on the top. I am fitter than I was. I have so much more upper body strength. But I am still not happy. I have flabby bits and lumps and bumps in all the wrong places.

The list of what I can't do is still a long one. But because no one care what I can't do. This is what I can do.

• I have a PT. Who I love. (I thought only posh thin celeb had them.)
• Exercise outside without being bothered who is watching. OK I have to be with another person but its a big step. No self motivation 
• I can run further than I care to admit, even further after boot camp. The people I am with are not so far away anymore. 
• I can plank, this one came out of nowhere. I really just thought sod it lets just see what I can do. 
• I can move from leg to leg and arm to arm when planking.
• I can almost do a walkout. I say belly gets in the way. But I think it might be lack of confidence 
• I can lift weights. I mean in the "man" bit of the gym. Something really need to be done to change that stigma. I hate going in on my own. 
• I can join in classes at the gym. Guess what nobody watching you and if they are they will help you. That how I found out I could do a bunny hop, and they are getting bigger. 
• I am starting to take complements without thinking about it. 
• I am starting to shop in Tesco for clothes. My hubby is loving that one. Milk, bread, a weeks worth of shopping and a top!!
• I did a tuck jump. Only one my belly didnt like it. It's still wobberling now. 

This list is a lot longer than it was a year ago, in 6 months time it will be longer, and in a year, well lets see. When I started this blogg it was to make me accountable for me. So I could see how far I have come. what I have or haven't accomplished. I decided to share it because I am not the only person in my situation. People want to change. Once I can remember talking to someone about getting hold of a copy of insanity. So I went and had a look on good old YouTube. You are met with body beautiful fit as you like bouncy almost flying people, who don't sweat they glow. You have to follow along. You can't keep up, you definitely can't fly. It doesn't show you the low impacted, or the modification to make it suitable for you. Even at my gym now as you walk in there posters and pictures of all these fit people glowing.  I am not saying that it is wrong but it doesn't give you any motivation. Well it doesn't for me, it just makes me cringe.  But when you get into the gym. There is almost every shape and size, thats a certain if I am in, and I am sorry gym mates, but not many look like the poster. It sad that the only time you see over weight people exercising is so people can laugh at them.

Now I might be biased but I am a member of an amazing gym. The best gym in the area. I am not joking. The place is always bouncing. There is almost always a class on. The music is pumping and the atmosphere is alive from the mintues the doors open. It's not one of your big name gyms, I looked around one of them and they made me feel clinical and lonely. I wasn't in there 5 mins. In fact this was only place I felt comfortable. For me there is nothing worst than big muscle blokes grunting and offen they make you feel that your not wanted. You are spoiling the look of the gym, with all the flabbiness. This is a local independent gym run by local PT's who all have the same idea. You become family when you join. They know your name, I mean really know your name. I never have to give it in when I book in.  Yes they talk about me. Well look at me I have a lot to talk about, and I don't mean that in a bad way. All the PTs are so positive about how far I have come. How hard I can work when I want to. When I talk about wanting to try a harder class they never say don't bother, always just give it a try. Still have got the guts to try spin. In the end it doesn't matter what you look like. If you want to make the change then do it. Yes as I have said you have to push past your comfort zone. But then you comfort zone just moves to a different place. Look I am the biggist in the gym and I have never felt uncomfortable there, Just give it a try. Most gyms offer a free taster. Try as many as you need to, speak to the PTs and class instructors. Go with your gut feeling and give it a try.

I survived the toughest boot camp so far. Can I go to bed now?

So today was no ordinary boot camp. The coach was on hoilday so my  PT and lets just call him HIM (can't think of anything polite at the moment) were in charge. I knew it was not going to be easy. HIM had been my PT then HIM passed me to my current PT. We worked better together.  Neither of them of them mess around, they work on results and they get them. 

So I had the bright idea of walking there. I walk to the wood every week, so why should today be any different. Part of me thinks I hadn't really thought that though. My walk every week is the head start of me doing the same as everyone else. Not this week, I did a 1.7 Miles on top before boot camp and then the same home again.

So the thought of today knocked me sick. I knew, I was going so far out of my comfort zone. I knew it was going to be shouting and bloody hard work. And HIM has never been easy on me, Why should he that not what he is there for. Going easy is not going to get results. But it really was WTF. I felt so sorry for the people in my team having to wait for me all the time. I know they say they are not bothered but it really not fair not on them, they stayed with me and we came last. So when it came to picking something to carry we got the ruff end of the stick. I lost total control of my breathing, I mean i felt like I lost one lung and was on my way to a panic attack. I felt sick. I cried, I never cry. Thought I was going to pass out. But I wasn't allowed to stop. Everyone telling me I was doing great helps. My PT keeping me going,  and HIM from the start he had my back, at the end he had hold of my hand and kept me running. He didn't let me stop. Guess what I did it. I am totally exhausted but I did it. Yes I got a short cuts, yes I was pulled along when I said I couldn't do it any more but I did it. I have nothing to go back to beat again. What is it with PTs and f***ing hills.  I worked as hard as I could. And I bloody did it.

Am i ready for total warrior? Not a chance. Its is only a couple of weeks away. I don't think I am going to manage to run it. But I will do it. I will work as hard as I can. It was pointed out to me a while back by my PT. I have never not done what has been asked of me. I think I proved that today. So as much as I could hate HIM at the moment. I really need to say thank you for showing that I can work that hard and can do it. It may have been at my pace but I did it. I also need to stop being so negative towards myself.

From my first PT session with HIM. He pushed me so far out of my comfort zone. But when I ever I have said I can't do it. He had help me prove I can. One thing that will alway stick with me is, when he said that my legs will never let me down. It has stuck with me. It a bit of a mantra now. I say I can't his voice pops in my head saying your legs can. And some how that keeps me going. Most of the time it my total lack of confidence that holds me back. I don't trust my body or what it can do. I keeping thing it is going to fail me, and it hasn't yet.

Now I am home a showered, hydrated and siting down. I think I need to do more exercise like that. I admit I have lost my mojo these last few weeks. I need to find it again and really start pushing myself. It's half term next week. I have a week off PT as she is on a well deserved  hoilday. The kids are home so classes at the gym aren't always possible. So I am going to reset and start a fresh the week after. I start a new job, so its a whole new chapter to in my life. Time to push forward.

PS I can plank. I never thought about what that meant. But I tried last week in insanity and I did it. It might be a bit of a wonky plank but I did it! I can even move from one leg to another!

I beat the hill!!!

So I went back to the hill. The hill that beat me on Sunday. The hill that has put me in a bad mood all week. The hill that was a hell of a lot steeper than I remember. I did think for a second. Yeah you did it twice lets go for a jog instead. But honestly I knew I wasn't getting out of this. Think my PT was a bit surprised at how steep the will was, not that she showed it. She was going to make me do it with a log as well but she didn't push that one. You know with creepy crawlies and all. I was asked how many times I wanted to go up and down. This is were the mind games start. I had a number, she had a number and neither of us wanted to go first But, really unless my number was bigger than her it was never going to be my number. So my PT picked an odd one 5, I picked 4. What's funny is that I alway have to go first and my number is never as high, I smell a rat! Now I am not OCD but i do like even numbers. That meant I had to go up one more. So 6 was todays magic number. 

Off up the hill I went. Then it hit me. It wasn't that I couldn't do it, it was lack of confidence. What if I fall, what if I fall and get impaled on a tree. I do watch far to much casualty. Fat girl trying to get fit in the woods, gets impaled on tree. It writes its self. Anyway, it's s a bit slippy on way up, with the pine needles, pine cones and sand. It not much better in the way down. Half way up the roots and trees start. Thats when I start to bottle it. Yes I did ask for a helicopter and no I didn't get one. I also knew that I had to get myself up. No one could help me. Not because I was stubborn because I had 3 choices, Stay there forever. Fall down and end up in a BBC Drama, or move myself. So I moved myself. Every time I got to the same spot I froze. So 5 times later my PT said to scramble up it and use my hands. Up until then I had gotten up just on my feet pull up on trees. My 4th time was 1 min 23ish, my 5th 1 min 07. At that point I wanted under 1 min. So off I went. I got to my problem it and I hit the ground and scrambled, hit the top and found my finishing tree. Not a chance of being under 1 min. Not scrambling like a offa. Then my PT said 58.23 seconds. I did it. I showed that hill. 

Sometimes a pep talk and being called amazing works!

So it has been a few days since my last blog. I have written this one 5 different ways, and it just didn't work. I was trying to say how cross I was with myself. It turns out that I just needed a bit of perspective.

I had a spring in my step last Thursday, Friday and by Saturday it had sprung. I had plans for 3 mile walk run. That didn't happen. I got up at 11.30 and stayed in my PJs all day. Then I had an early night for warrior training on Sunday. I did also get though 9 units of  NVQ work.

Now 3 weeks into training and I have not had to nag myself up and out for bed once. That when it sort of went down hill. Up and out the house just after 9am. Brisk walk to warm up and the off to a lamppost jog. NOPE not a chance. I tried and tried but I couldn't get a rhythm and I couldn't lift my legs up and my back joined in the protest too. 30 minutes later I was at the wood. This was when I started to get frustrated it took me 10 mintues longer than last time, and last time I had to climb over a tree. I got to where we were meeting, I kept moving. Up hills and back down again, Once we all met up. I had already worked out what we were going to do. Up a steep hill with a log and a parter and back down again. Then back up and down on your own. I only managed once with log and mate and once on my own. I grumbled all day about it. I felt like I had let myself down. Didn't try hard enough. I didn't t even try to keep up with the bunch from the gym on the way home, and that took me 35 mintues.

Now I say I only manage the hill twice, but this is were a bit of perspective was needed. That did come from a good friend and my PT. Yes Yes I had to be told twice. They said look at it this way, a few weeks ago you wouldn't have even tried. They were right! I wouldn't, let alone walk the mile and a bit to get there and home again.

Because I didn't feel like I had done enough Sunday morning. I made my daughter walk to cub and home. I was determined to push though my weak back and make up a bit of lost ground from the day before.

Tuesday I tried a suspension or TRX, that doesn't sound quite so fifty shades. Can't say I love it but I didn't totally hate it. Also this morning I found out why I have zero energy. I woke up with a sore throat, sore ears and a cough. It also explained my weak back. When I am run down, thats the bit that notices first.

 On top of a cold I had a maths exam this morning. I hosnestly thought I would give circuits a miss. Kids came home from school, drove me mad, so circuits seamed like the easy option. It was in tonight's class that I reaslised that I am doing so much more. Not just squats as a modification. I tried to do walk outs. Back wasn't to keen but I tried and I moved forward and backwards a bit. I also manage to do a low plank and mountain climbers.

So all in all I am feeling a bit better mentally, and I am starting to realise so much of what I think I can't to is confidence not physical. Do I still think I am going to get thought the whole of  warrior? No I am going to make a total fool of myself. But I just to make sure I feel a proper idiot I am thinking of doing a 10k in October and it not a flat one either.

Run till your kickers fall down.

It's amazing what can change in a couple of week. Me and my PT were chatting during training today. I have almost double my training efforts. 2 classes a week, soon to be 3. I am trying TRX again. Different instructor, so watch this space. 1 boot camp and 1 PT session a week. Plus me and my son doing our how fast can we do a mile, a couple of times a week. A bit everyday is what I am being told.

Last time we did a training plan. It was decided to try and start covering distance on my PT sessions. Totally warrior is 12k, 7 1/2 miles 30 obstacles. I am now on my 3rd week of doing it and in my PT's words. I had a spring in my step today. It did feel like it. It felt like I was proper running. I am recovering quicker and running more offen. The lamp posts are slowly getting further away. My PT lets me lead. I pick were we are running to. Today I had the inconvenience of uncooperative knicker. It is a good thing that they were to big. But the kept falling down! Why do I need to read about your knickers. They became my new lamppost. I ran till my kickers needed pulling up and sometime it was further than the lamppost, sometimes not.

I think that one the reasons I am writing about my kickers is because, there has to be a lighter side to life. Some people take life far to seriously, people can take training far to seriously. You have to enjoy yourself, have a laugh. I dont think I would do half I am doing, if I couldn't talk and have a giggle.

You need to believe in yourself. Pack in the excuses, and learn to how to eat an Elephant.

When I started on this, I don't want to call it a Journey. That just sound cheesy. Some people have said life changing steps. I don't really no what is is. This is just my time to do something about me for me. 

I keep talking about people being so supportive and that it's what carrying me along. A really good friend told me I was putting myself down. It's me that gets out of bed, puts my kit and my shoes on and goes out the door. Yes people keep me going. But if I didnt take myself to these places, the people wouldn't support me. It's pretty simple really. Your not going to get praise and support for watching Loose Women on the TV. 

So tonight I went to circuits for the second time. Yes I was nagged out the house by my wonderful and supportive hubby. My excuses were just that excuses. I could sit and list them but what the point, you dont care, and I am not letting me steal my excuses.  I ran out the house just in time for class. I had to drive I was that late. Yes that was one of my excuses. Did I drive there hoping there was no parking? Hell yeah. I had a shitty day. Anyway it was like someone had saved me a parking space and a partner. Am I glad I went? Of course. I loved it. You can't beat being shouted at, sorry encouraged but a fearsome Scottish lady. Who I love!! (Just in case she see this and make me work harder.) Even booked it for next week rather than just waiting to see if there is space. 

The thought of classes scared me to death this time last year. Yes I paid my membership so I could to the classes. Why limit yourself but I had no intention of doing them. Why, when I couldn't keep up, I couldn't do what they all do. I had tried to follow instanity on you tube at home. All them body beautiful floating thought it without any problems, not a bead of sweat and I tried PIYO and TRX. They didn't end well. Stiff was not the word. So I stuck to my little bit in the gym, that was enough. 

One week my PT said, she was going to take the insanity classes. 50 mintues of blumming hard work. NOT A CHANCE. But my PT has an answer for everying. "Try a Thursday morning. It's only 30 mins."  So the list of excuse came. It right on school drop off. I have a session with you at 10, I want to get the most of that and not be recoverying from class, blarh blarh blarh. Even now think just SHUT UP! Now if I could get to the 50 mintue class I would. For one I am not making excuses, I am a cub leader that night. I have insanity just not quite in the same way. But both make me want a drink when I get home!!!

 

So I booked in to the class, didn't hold my breath and started to think of reasons, sorry excuses not to do it again.Well bugger me, I loved it! Yes I am sure it helps when you have the right instructor. I was shown the modification. You take the bounce out, do press up on your knees etc. You work to your ability but what ever you do, dont stay in your comfort zone. Believe in what you can do. Not one person is watching or cares what you can or can't do. Just make sure you are hot and sweaty at the end. 

Now if someone asked me which classes to do and they had a similar history as me. I would say insanity express and circuits. What? Why? My amazing PT has taught me many things. One of the biggest is. She had taught me How to eat an elephant (and she is vegan).............Just a bit at a time!! That's what these classes are. A bit at a time. Insanity 1 mintue of a exercise then on to another and another. All a mintue each. 3 different ones, and a short time to recover. Working at your pace. The same with circuits. A mintue and on to the next. Your pace. Really any class you want to do should be your pace, if you have a good instructor they will help you and support you. 

Just remember a bit at a time and you will get there. Believe in you and stop with the excuses.

I have big boobs and I can not buy....... a good sports bra.

When I first started at the gym, part of my long list of excuses of not pushing myself, was I couldn't find a sports bra to fit. Well Evans didnt have one so what was I too do? I was also told that I would probably need to wear to at the same time for more support.

After a few weeks, it got the better of me. I googled plus size sports bras. I didnt hold my breath. The one thing I have learnt is it is assumed that, the bigger plus size person doesn't want to excerise. The search paged loaded and the search began.

So a few pages came up and I jumped on the cheaper options. Only to returned them the same day they arrived.

Then I found http://www.boobydoo.co.uk. There was so much choice for the fuller ladie in fact you have a whole click though on FF+. I decided when started this that I wasn't going to mention dress sizes, boob sizes or weight. You all can see am big, you can see which clothes are tight and which hang off me. And yes I have BIG boobs. That is all that is needed and all I want to say at the moment.

Anyway I found these http://www.boobydoo.co.uk/all-products?global_brand=5395&size_range=489
Yes I thought they were expensive but I was at the point I would try anything. Now these are from the USA. So you need to read the size guide. For once in my life I was not the biggist size. Which did make me feel good.  My only advice for buying a Bra online is, read the reviews and check the returns policy.

So I have a bright Green sports Bra. But it work.